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cautious_knightCan anyone help me find Poland? He doesn't answer my messages, and I really need to talk to him.
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Lithuania | Tolys Laurinaitis
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[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 06:58 pm (UTC)...maybe the wrong thing to do, I should have told him that I can wait. Maybe he really doesn't want to see me, maybe he wants to get over it, but... But everyone knew about it. I'm sure everyone did. Did... [He stops for a moment, looking up, staring blindly out of the window] did Muskovy know? And that angel? And-
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 07:01 pm (UTC)Did they know what?
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 07:30 pm (UTC)That- that you... [Stares down in his lap, shaking his head softly.] What you told me when I didn't remember who I was.
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 07:33 pm (UTC)...Forget that I told you. I... I like, never meant to tell you. I don't want to endanger our friendship, so just like, forget I said anything...!
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 07:36 pm (UTC)[He shakes his head and looks up] I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Poland. I don't want to hurt you. I just... I just want you to be happy. I don't know what I feel about this and... if you don't know...
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 07:54 pm (UTC)[Starting off mostly calm, and gradually getting quicker and more distressed and incoherent] I've... I've like, known how I feel for a long time, Liet. Even though everyone says--everyone at home says it's wrong, I've known it's there for years, and nothing makes it go away, so I thought I'd just... just like, not say anything about it, you know, keep it quiet and ignore it and just be happy to be near you, and I was, I totally was, but then we came here, and--and Pakistan, and--and I was so jealous, Liet, you totally have no idea, and I didn't mean to lie to you about Wolfram but I was scared that if I told you he wasn't really my girlfriend you'd figure out the rest of it and flip, and I shouldn't have talked to anyone about it, but I'm totally not used to hiding stuff from my friends and I have friends besides you here and--and they all act like it's all totally okay, not just Wolfram, but like, Elaine, and people who I know are Christian, you know, like they did with the dresses, they're just totally all "It's no big deal, God doesn't really mind, do what makes you happy if it doesn't hurt anyone" and stuff and I seriously don't know what to think anymore, but--
It was so easy to pretend I had everything I wanted before, not to let myself want anything more, because I was so sure it was wrong, and now I'm just not sure anymore, and it hurt so much to see you with her and always be thinking maybe it doesn't really have to be like this, and--and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you and I didn't mean to--to feel this way, and I don't want to lose you and I don't know what to do...!
[...Yeah, he's pretty close to hysterical by the end of that.]
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 08:00 pm (UTC)Lenkija? Could... please come here. [He makes a small gesture, patting the bed next to him slightly. He's sitting on the side of the bed by now, feet set to the ground.]
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-18 08:05 pm (UTC)[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 04:43 am (UTC)I... I didn't know what to think when I realized what you had told me, and when... Everyone here seems to think differently about certain things, like what a boy is allowed to wear, or whom you are allowed to like. Like that, I mean. And I would have wanted to ask you about it, because you have been Christian so much longer than me and know God's ways a lot better, but... but I couldn't ask you about that. I knew that it was wrong, but that priest said that it was alright, and I wanted to ask you but... But it was about you and... [Breathe. Breathe. Calm.]
...because I had that dream again, that dream where we meet in the fields, that one that I told you about before. But this time, you... we... [Blushes, nestling with the hem of his shirt.] kissed, and... and I reacted to it, like... like a healthy male shouldn't. Not if the other one is male too.
And I don't know anymore how I feel about you, how I'm supposed to feel, but... but I don't want to lose you. I want you to be happy.
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 05:12 am (UTC)The priest said...? [H-He can hardly believe that, but everyone else says it's all right... And if Liet's not mad at him... He can't quite figure out what he's supposed to say, so instead, he hugs him tightly, burying his face against his shoulder. Appropriate icon is appropriate!]
Like, why didn't you say anything?
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 08:12 am (UTC)Because it is [wrong, he wants to say, but Poland knows that just as well as him and everyone else in this place seems to think differently.] Because I thought that it would pass, that it was only because I saw you as a girl in that one event and then you started to wear women's clothes, and I thought that I was just confused and that it would end and I'm still not sure. And I wouldn't have thought that you... [He should have known Everyone else knew. And Poland is his best friend.]
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 09:04 am (UTC)Well, like, the Vatican changes things every now and then, and they can sorta add up over time. If he's from far in the future, I can totally imagine it'd have seemed weird to you, you know?
I... [He hesitates for a moment, then tries again.] If it's... If it's like, just because you think of me like a girl... I'm like, not sure how to feel about that, Liet. I kinda don't like it.
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 10:10 am (UTC)...It wouldn't be a problem if I only felt like that for a girl version of you, because you're not. A girl, I mean. [He has to laugh, ruffling Poland's hair.] I should know that by now, don't you think? How often have I seen you naked?
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 10:44 am (UTC)Yeah... I like, guess that's true...
...Um. If, like. If it's seriously not against what God wants, I... I totally don't care who else thinks badly of me. I know it's supposed to be sick and weird and stuff, but like, it's always felt totally natural to like you the way I do, even when I've been way too scared of you hating me forever to say anything about it...
[A thought occurs to him, and being Poland, he expresses it immediately.] ...I guess I still shouldn't be talking that way, though... I mean, you've like, got Pakistan, and--and that's normal, and I shouldn't want-- um. [Trails off, awkwardly. He got ahead of himself, didn't he? Liet's got a girlfriend, so he still doesn't have a chance, right?]
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 11:04 am (UTC)[He hates this situations. Both nations are very dear to him, and he doesn't want to see either one of them unhappy.] But I would never hate you, I couldn't, I... I just don't know what to do.
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 11:26 am (UTC)...I think she and I like, both want the same thing, but we totally can't both have it. Not... not all of it. But part of what I want--and I think she like, probably feels the same way--is for you to do what will make you happy. What... what feels the most true to yourself. [He's trembling a little, because that's really hard for him to say--he's just not used to placing others above his own wants, and when he wants something so badly, it's even more difficult to do.]
I don't... I'm like, not gonna push. I don't really know if it's right or wrong, either, but I'm not gonna push you either way, 'cause like... it's up to you. It's your choice. I totally wish I could make it easier for you, but...
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 11:57 am (UTC)[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:02 pm (UTC)You like, can't have us both, Liet. I mean--I mean, you can have us both as friends, but you can't just not choose!
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:18 pm (UTC)[He shakes his head slightly.] I would have never thought that I'd one day have to decide something like this.
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:24 pm (UTC)...Still not pushing, but like. It'll be super-hard for me to be around you if you pick her over me. I don't know for how long, but like... yeah...
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:34 pm (UTC)[Hugging Poland back, closing his eyes. No matter how awkward it is right now, it just feels so much better having Poland than not having him.]
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:41 pm (UTC)...I like, didn't mean to fight with her again, anyway...
[Yeah, Poland agrees with this. He has had no cuddles for a week, and that was just... wrong and unhappy :<]
Re: [Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:44 pm (UTC)Good. I... would it be alright if you and me and her all talked about this to ...to find a solution that we can all live with?
[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 12:48 pm (UTC)[Action]
Date: 2010-04-19 05:03 pm (UTC)[Action]
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