video

[cautious_knight]

Can anyone help me find Poland? He doesn't answer my messages, and I really need to talk to him.

Comments

Text, Polish

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

Mother of God, don't make a big deal out of it...

I'm fine, so you like, don't have to worry or anything.

Text, Lithuanian

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

Poland, please. We need to talk.

Text, Polish

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

Why? I mean, we like, talk all the time...

Text, Polish

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

Not anymore since the last event.

Text, Polish

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

...What do you want?

Text, Polish

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

I...

[Switching to Lithuanian] I don't want to talk about that here, Lenkija. Please.

Text, Polish

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

I don't want--I'm still way too embarrassed, okay? I don't want to go anywhere but where I am right now....

Text, Lithuanian

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

I can come over there.

Text, Polish

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

No! I don't want anyone to know where I am, least of all you.

[Strikes deleted before he posted.]

Text, Polish

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

Poland, please. We really need to talk.

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[He doesn't respond to the post, but a few minutes later, the door to their room cracks open and he slips in, trying not to make any noise.]

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

[Lithuania is sitting on his bed, facing towards the window, but his eyes at the device that lies on the bed directly in front of him. His head is on his knees, fingers tugging at the too short hair, and he doesn't notice when the door opens. Partly because he is talking to himself.]

...maybe the wrong thing to do, I should have told him that I can wait. Maybe he really doesn't want to see me, maybe he wants to get over it, but... But everyone knew about it. I'm sure everyone did. Did... [He stops for a moment, looking up, staring blindly out of the window] did Muskovy know? And that angel? And-

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[He shuts the door behind himself without a sound, but stays near it, fidgeting nervously. His voice shakes a little.]

Did they know what?

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

[Turns around - and then he suddenly realizes that he has no idea how to say this. What to say.]

That- that you... [Stares down in his lap, shaking his head softly.] What you told me when I didn't remember who I was.

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[He winces. A little part of him had been hoping Liet wouldn't remember that part or something...]

...Forget that I told you. I... I like, never meant to tell you. I don't want to endanger our friendship, so just like, forget I said anything...!

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

I thought that it had only been the event, but... but everyone seemed to know already...

[He shakes his head and looks up] I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Poland. I don't want to hurt you. I just... I just want you to be happy. I don't know what I feel about this and... if you don't know...

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

"If I don't know" what?

[Starting off mostly calm, and gradually getting quicker and more distressed and incoherent] I've... I've like, known how I feel for a long time, Liet. Even though everyone says--everyone at home says it's wrong, I've known it's there for years, and nothing makes it go away, so I thought I'd just... just like, not say anything about it, you know, keep it quiet and ignore it and just be happy to be near you, and I was, I totally was, but then we came here, and--and Pakistan, and--and I was so jealous, Liet, you totally have no idea, and I didn't mean to lie to you about Wolfram but I was scared that if I told you he wasn't really my girlfriend you'd figure out the rest of it and flip, and I shouldn't have talked to anyone about it, but I'm totally not used to hiding stuff from my friends and I have friends besides you here and--and they all act like it's all totally okay, not just Wolfram, but like, Elaine, and people who I know are Christian, you know, like they did with the dresses, they're just totally all "It's no big deal, God doesn't really mind, do what makes you happy if it doesn't hurt anyone" and stuff and I seriously don't know what to think anymore, but--

It was so easy to pretend I had everything I wanted before, not to let myself want anything more, because I was so sure it was wrong, and now I'm just not sure anymore, and it hurt so much to see you with her and always be thinking maybe it doesn't really have to be like this, and--and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you and I didn't mean to--to feel this way, and I don't want to lose you and I don't know what to do...!

[...Yeah, he's pretty close to hysterical by the end of that.]

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

[He looks up at Poland during his speech and for a moment he nearly gets up, but he doesn't want to scare Poland away - when did it come to be that he could scare him? So he just keeps sitting there, listening carefully, memorizing everything that he can to digest it later on.]

Lenkija? Could... please come here. [He makes a small gesture, patting the bed next to him slightly. He's sitting on the side of the bed by now, feet set to the ground.]

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[He pauses, unsure, biting at his lower lip, but then he nods and walks over, sitting down next to Liet. He doesn't relax, and still looks ready to run off if Liet gets angry, but at least he's there?]

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

[And Lithuania is here as well, and doesn't do anything for a little while. His voice is quiet, nearly solemn, when he speaks, hands clasped nervously, not looking at Poland. He doesn't want to think about where this will take them, if it will take them anywhere... as long as it doesn't bring them firther apart, he'd alright with it. And he will try anything for this to not destroy what they have, no matter how it turns out.]

I... I didn't know what to think when I realized what you had told me, and when... Everyone here seems to think differently about certain things, like what a boy is allowed to wear, or whom you are allowed to like. Like that, I mean. And I would have wanted to ask you about it, because you have been Christian so much longer than me and know God's ways a lot better, but... but I couldn't ask you about that. I knew that it was wrong, but that priest said that it was alright, and I wanted to ask you but... But it was about you and... [Breathe. Breathe. Calm.]

...because I had that dream again, that dream where we meet in the fields, that one that I told you about before. But this time, you... we... [Blushes, nestling with the hem of his shirt.] kissed, and... and I reacted to it, like... like a healthy male shouldn't. Not if the other one is male too.

And I don't know anymore how I feel about you, how I'm supposed to feel, but... but I don't want to lose you. I want you to be happy.

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[Poland blushes as he realizes just what Liet means about the dream, and suddenly Liet's behavior that night makes a lot more sense. And everything else... He just stares at the bedsheets as Liet talks, trying to get his bearings again.]

The priest said...? [H-He can hardly believe that, but everyone else says it's all right... And if Liet's not mad at him... He can't quite figure out what he's supposed to say, so instead, he hugs him tightly, burying his face against his shoulder. Appropriate icon is appropriate!]

Like, why didn't you say anything?

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

[He hesitantly puts his arms around his friend, more out of habit than because he really feels like it- this doesn't make things easier on him at all.] He was a bit strange and did a lot of things differently from what our priests do, but he said that he was one and... and I wanted to ask you but if I had asked you about it... [It would have been too obvious, and there are things that should stay between a person and God. And, since they were needed, there had to be a priest in the middle, but that was about it. And since Poland was the very person why he had needed a priest in the first place, he just couldn't have asked him if he should trust it.]

Because it is [wrong, he wants to say, but Poland knows that just as well as him and everyone else in this place seems to think differently.] Because I thought that it would pass, that it was only because I saw you as a girl in that one event and then you started to wear women's clothes, and I thought that I was just confused and that it would end and I'm still not sure. And I wouldn't have thought that you... [He should have known Everyone else knew. And Poland is his best friend.]

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[Well, it's not so much that Poland's in an affectionate mood as that he's been freaked out and lonely all week and needs to be held. Plus, if his face is hidden against Liet's neck, Liet can't see how nervous he still is.]

Well, like, the Vatican changes things every now and then, and they can sorta add up over time. If he's from far in the future, I can totally imagine it'd have seemed weird to you, you know?

I... [He hesitates for a moment, then tries again.] If it's... If it's like, just because you think of me like a girl... I'm like, not sure how to feel about that, Liet. I kinda don't like it.

[Action]

[watchful-knight.livejournal.com]

I don't! I-I mean I don't know, I thought that it was that, because... because a man isn't supposed to feel like that for another man. Because it is wrong and sick and what would everyone say back home. But in that dream- It's always you in that dream, the normal you. And I knew that you were male in that dream and I still wanted to kiss you.

...It wouldn't be a problem if I only felt like that for a girl version of you, because you're not. A girl, I mean. [He has to laugh, ruffling Poland's hair.] I should know that by now, don't you think? How often have I seen you naked?

[Action]

[reckless-eagle.livejournal.com]

[He blushes more at that]

Yeah... I like, guess that's true...

...Um. If, like. If it's seriously not against what God wants, I... I totally don't care who else thinks badly of me. I know it's supposed to be sick and weird and stuff, but like, it's always felt totally natural to like you the way I do, even when I've been way too scared of you hating me forever to say anything about it...

[A thought occurs to him, and being Poland, he expresses it immediately.] ...I guess I still shouldn't be talking that way, though... I mean, you've like, got Pakistan, and--and that's normal, and I shouldn't want-- um. [Trails off, awkwardly. He got ahead of himself, didn't he? Liet's got a girlfriend, so he still doesn't have a chance, right?]